I’m so thankful for the rain we are getting.  (giving thanks, day #3)  It’s a good tradition that I’ve been involved in the gratitude project for at least the last three years.  Because it never fails that this time of year a deep melancholy settles in.    A brooding, pervasive, dark  cloud.  So, focusing on the things I have to be grateful for is one tool to help keep the cloud at bay.

But I have to admit, that this year I’m dealing with something more significant, because the melancholy has hit with an unsettling force.  Those of you that have read my blog for very long know that the past few years I’ve been working through a lot of junk.  And I think it is important to recognize when it may be time to ask for help.  Here are my warning signs:

1. Apathy.  Feeling a surprising lack of interest or care about things I’m normally passionate about.
2. Bodily aches and pains.  Tightness in my neck and shoulders.  Going through the day with my shoulders scrunched up to my ears.  My body in flight or fright mode.
3. Constant low-grade anxiety, and the unhealthy coping mechanisms I employ to try to diffuse it:  non-stop eating of carbs, sweets, and salty foods.
4. Resentment and grumbling and crying spells. 
5. Impatience with my people all the while trying to perform, perfect, please because of the sick notion that it’s the only thing that makes me valuable.  For example:  I made cream horns  FROM SCRATCH on Tuesday night.  Inherently there is nothing wrong with making cream horns from scratch, but in the middle of feeling so overwhelmed and desperate. really???
6. Back to operating from an over-trained and irrational sense of responsiblity, causing me to feel overwhelmed by everything I think I must accomplish.  The result that I just go in circles, getting nothing done and feeling more behind.
7. Which leads to more procrastination and time-wasting (internet addiction anyone?)
8. Fuzzy brained thinking and the inability to make decisions.
9. Hearing with my old unhealthy ears, instead of with my healthy empowered ears.  For example:  My husband could ask if I got his text message?  Which I didn’t because I had the sound turned off on my phone.  He just wants to know if I got the message.  What I hear is this:  “You didn’t get my text message because you are incompetent!  Why do you even have a phone if you always forget to turn the dang thing on!”
10. A deep, unrelenting sense of badness about myself.  Like if I were a better person I would be able to just suck it up and get over this.  I would be more organized and capable, and I could reach the things on the top shelf in the back of the cupboard without asking for help, cause you know if I were a better person I would have grown taller - ridiculous stuff I know, but when my head is in this place it’s not thinking rationally.
11. Fear.  Fear that I’m never going to get it figured out.  Fear that a joyless existence and struggle is just my lot in life.  Fear of myself, and fear that I’m just not worth it anyway…

 I’m sharing all of this because I think silence perpetuates the problem.  Makes one feel isolated and abnormal.  Acknowledging something is the first step towards healing.  I’m also sharing because I have resources that I think are helpful for anyone else who may be struggling.

• You can start here, and maybe come up with your own list of warning signs for when you need to ask for help or be confronted.
• Also, reach out to your support network – those people in your life who accept you, warts and all.  Set up a time when you could get together, and they could listen to you supportively.  Someone who can sit with you in your pain.  Consider a therapist/counsellor/spiritual advisor.  Someone you feel completely comfortable with.  If you are in the Kansas City or Northwest Arkansas area consider attending Break Through.  It’s entirely worth the time and money!
• Figure out what your triggers are.  What situations, circumstances, people send you spiralling?  Backtrack from the symptoms, as in - I am feeling anxious, less-than, my muscles are clenched, uncomfortable – what’s going on here?  What emotions am I feeling?  What false messages/labels am I putting on myself?   What do I need right now?  Give yourself space and time to process.  Seek clarification, as in “When you said this, it made me feel like this?  Is that what you meant to say, or did I misinterpret?”
• Guess What Normal Is.  I can not say enough about this website.  A friend had linked to this post on her facebook.  I clicked through, read it, and am working my way through every single post.   These particular posts have helped me realize that I’ve been carrying around some heavy crap – “If it’s just as easy to tell the truth…” and “Getting good at ending conversations” and “What if they find out?” - and that I need to be good to myself, patient with myself, and keep practicing healthy ways of relating to myself and others.